wife asking for divorce

QuestionsCategory: Marriagewife asking for divorce
mohamed asked 1 month ago

Assalamualaikum, respected brother, we are married for 15 yrs and 14 (son), 12 and 9 daughters, we both are practicing muslims and perform all our obligations on time. my wife is a better muslim and learn hadith and teaches her friends and family as well. I have always loved my wife and wanted her love and attention but felt that I was last in her list of priorities and was not given enough time and attention. I have provided the best I can for them and everything I did was for my family. All I did was work and be with them. In late sep or early 0ct 2021 i had a physical incident with my wife where i tried to choke (astagfirullah) due to misunderstanding between us. This was the 6 times in 15 years I have raised my hand on my wife, this time being worse than ever. I have been physically abusive toward my son to discipline him but never too seriously and I had called names to my wife once a while. I’m ashamed of my behavior and want Allah and my wife to forgive me (she said she has forgiven me). On Nov 18th 2021 she left the house with the kids to move into a shelter on advice of her cousins and she stayed there for 5 months. In the first month we barely spoke and then we solved our issue and spoke daily multiple times and met each other and worked on our relationship.  In this period I went for Psychotherapy, islamic counseling and anger management and offered to go for the “Caring Dad” program suggested by the authorities. Since she came back I have shower all my love on her and the family, spend all my time with the kids, be the best husband and dad and make up for the lost time, I work hard and provide for the entire family and always provide them with the best I can. I never forced my wife to work or disrespected her family and since she came back I did not even raise my voice at her but unfortunately I once got very angry at my son but still did not hit him. Due to this reason I was asked by her family to move out and I stayed in my car for 8 days. Now I’m back at home but my wife does not eat with me, we have separate beds and do not even give me eye contact, we have her family member staying with us to make sure everything is right but that person is very unfair and will not even let us talk alone. She wants me to divorce her because she feels this is the best way to keep my son safe and myself as well as if another incident happens my son could be harmed badly by me and taken to foster home and I will be taken by the cops. She is very much influenced by her cousins and distant relatives and they try every time to start a rumor that i spoke vulgar things about my wife to her cousins, they blame me and did not let me prove my innocence, call my wife to their place for Eid party without me (she went without me) and they even threaten to destroy me in my absence. They hate me because I confronted them and asked them to leave my family alone. I know my wife still loves me a lot, cares for me and will not do anything which is not permitted by Allah. She is told by some Imam that she can ask for a divorce as she is oppressed and fears for her child. 1) Is this a fair reason for divorce. 2) We have not done any counseling or mediation together and all decisions are made by her family, is this  right?  3) is divorce liable when we still love and care for each other.  4) If forced, can I ask for an Ibdaah period? 5) Is my wife still oppressed (as she was in the past), i haven’t even raised my voice at her since she is back and can demand for a khula? . 
brother i love my family and i’m doing everything to change myself by asking Allah for forgiveness, fasting nafl fast, praying tahajjud and being the best father and husband i can.

1 Answers
Mufti Wahaaj Staff answered 1 month ago

بسم الله الرحمٰن الرحيم

الجواب حامداً ومصلياً

As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-raḥmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Islām strongly condemns any type of physical violence towards others, especially spouses and dependents. Numerous aḥādīth attest to this:

ʿĀisha (ra) narrates: “Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) never struck anything with his hand unless he was struggling in the cause of Allah [jihad], nor did he ever strike a servant or a woman.” (Shamāʾil Tirmidhī #347)

ʿAbd Āllāh bin Zʿamah (ra) narrates that Rasūlullāh ﷺ said: “”How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?” (Bukhārī #6042).

It is necessary to abstain from this completely. Alḥamdulillāh, from your words, it seems that you have realized the gravity of your actions and you are trying to make up for the mistakes made. Continue seeking forgiveness from Allāh and from your family.

Before addressing your questions briefly, I must clearly state that no judgment can be made without speaking to your wife. Please email me at muftiwahaaj@gmail.com to set up a meeting with both you and her. Also, from your description of your relationship with your son, you should seek counseling for that relationship as well. Now, your questions:

  1. In principle, a wife can request a divorce for any reason. However, the husband does not have to grant it. Without hearing both sides of the story, I cannot comment if it is a fair reason or not.
  2. Counseling and mediation are important and should be done.
  3. If you can reconcile your differences, you do not have to divorce. However, you must be sure to observe all their rights and never return to any physical violence or verbal aggression.
  4. I am not aware of what an Ibdaah period is. Please write back clarifying.
  5. Without hearing her story, I cannot comment on if she is oppressed. She can request khulʿah for any reason. You are not obligated to agree to it.[1]

والله تعالى أعلم وعلمه أتم وبه التوفيق
And Allāh Taʿālā Knows Best

Muftī Mohammed Wahaajuddin bin Salauddin
(May Allāh forgive him and his parents)

[1]

قال الله تعالى: {فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا فِيمَا افْتَدَتْ بِهِ} البقرة: ٢٢٩

الفتاوى الهندية، كتاب الطلاق، الباب الثامن في الخلع، ج١ ص٤٨٨، مطبعة الكبرى

إذا تشاق الزوجان وخافا أن لا يقيما حدود الله فلا بأس بأن تفتدي نفسها منه بمال يخلعها به فإذا فعلا ذلك وقعت تطليقة بائنة ولزمها المال كذا في الهداية