Assalamu alaikum respected Sheikh,
I’ve gotten marriage proposal from a man one year ago. He is a religious guy and he liked me because he found me pious.But my father didn’t agree because he had no job and was from poor background. One year ago we talked and he had seen my face and hands as I do purdah according to shariah. My father told him, I like you but you need to get a job first. My father kept me waiting for him for one year and 8 months. My father declined many marriage proposal for him.Now he got a job. And he saw me again. Now he said, now he is finding me different and he said he didn’t like my look but he still wanna marry me because I was on his mind for years and he also said, if he wasn’t emotionally attached to me, he would’ve left me. I broke down as I heard this. I cried for days. I really love him but I found his talking insulting. As he said those in front me without any respect. He meant he found me unattractive. I couldn’t believe my ears. So, I asked him about this many times and he gave me same reply. He said this over and over again. Alhamdulillah I am good looking. Everybody says this. And when he met me, I didn’t wear any makeup and wore same burkah. He has seen me in person twice in one and a half year. I can’t take any decision. My family said they will do whatever I say. Would you please help what should I do? Please. I can’t sleep, eat. I am emotionally wounded for his insulting talking and also I’m afraid if I leave him I won’t be normal as I am a very sensitive person and he is on my mind for years. You’re very wise. I look forward for your answer.Please help.
بسم الله الرحمٰن الرحيم
الجواب حامداً ومصلياً
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-raḥmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Before offering our advice, we must commend you for your concern for your dīn. You stated that you are particular about ḥijāb and pardah. May Allāh allow you to increase in your piety.
Marriage is a bond of love and respect. Rasūlullāh ﷺ informed us that when marrying, four things are sought after: wealth, status, beauty, and piety. The thing that should be given preference is piety. At the same time, the other three things are not to be disregarded in their entirety. If a person feels that the lack of one of those factors will make it difficult for them to be kind, loving, and committed to their spouse, they should not accept the proposal.
In your situation, two things should be taken into consideration.
- Part of piety is good character: Rasūlullāh ﷺ has instructed that the one who believes in Allāh and the Last Day should speak what is good or remain silent. In your case, good character would have dictated that potential groom remain silent. If he was not pleased with your looks, he could have told his parents, and they could have kindly withdrawn from the proposal. The fact that he openly said something hurtful to you prior to marriage is a red flag and could foreshadow what will come afterwards. We are not judging anyone, but in general, lack of respect and courtesy before marriage tends to lead to marriages in which there is verbal abuse, power imbalances, and unhealthy dynamics.
- It seems that your appearance, regardless of whether he is justified or not, may not be appealing to him. If he is not comfortable with you as you are, after marriage, this thought can fester and lead to his frustrations being manifested in other ways.
Based on the two points above, it would be advisable for you to decline this proposal and look into others. This is not to say that the process will be easy. Of course, due to the fact that you have had feelings for him for over a year, it will be difficult for you to look into other proposals. However, his statement to you, prior to marriage, has already caused you so much grief. Imagine what will happen if these sentiments are repeated after marriage! Bearing some emotional distress in the short run will, inshāʾAllāh lead to great good for you in the future. Allāh has made us very resilient. Over time, pain and bad memories fade, and we are able to move on with our lives. You can move past the sadness of abandoning this proposal that you were looking forward to, and find a lifetime of happiness and marital bliss for you in the long run with someone who loves and respects you and finds you beautiful that way that you are.
That being said, the choice is ultimately yours. May Allāh guide you to what is best for your dunyā and akhirah.
والله تعالى أعلم وعلمه أتم وبه التوفيق
And Allāh Taʿālā Knows Best
Muftī Mohammed Wahaajuddin bin Salauddin
(May Allāh forgive him and his parents)
عن أبي هريرة ـ رضي الله عنه ـ قال: قال رسول الله ـ صلى الله عليه و سلم ـ: ( إنما بعثت لأتمم صالح الأخلاق )رواه أحمد . وعن ابن عباس ـ رضي الله عنهما ـ قال:( لما بلغ أبا ذر مبعث النبي ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ قال لأخيه: اركب إلى هذا الوادي، فاعلم لي علم هذا الرجل الذي يزعم أنه نبي يأتيه الخبر من السماء، واسمع من قوله ثم ائتني، فانطلق الأخ حتى قدمه وسمع من قوله، ثم رجع إلى أبي ذر ، فقال له: رأيته يأمر بمكارم الأخلاق ) رواه البخاري.