Restricting Access to a Child After A Divorce

QuestionsCategory: DivorceRestricting Access to a Child After A Divorce
Khan asked 2 months ago

Assalam alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa baraaktauhu

I hope you are keeping well in sha Allah Jazakallah khair for always guiding and answering my questions. Can you please kindly guide me in this situation?

I am a divorcee with one toddler. My ex doesn’t pay any child support and abused me and my family. Causing us so much pain. However my sons grandmother always texts My mother asking about my son’s  well being. She misses him, and always requests for his pictures. She has never met my son and is very old,  diabetic and usually sick. My father however says to my mother to not reply back to her , and not to send her any pictures of my son. Since my sons father doesn’t pay child support and doesn’t bother asking about son.

I feel bad , are v doing wrong? What does Islam teaches us in regards to this?  My father and my brothers say that just remember the bad they did to us. All our exetened family members say that to just block all their numbers and not be to contact in them. And constantly remind us for all the wrong my ex and his family did to us. What do I do? How do I tackle this situation? Jazakallah khair  Hoping to hear back from you soon.

1 Answers
Mufti Wahaaj Staff answered 2 months ago

بسم الله الرحمٰن الرحيم

الجواب حامداً ومصلياً

As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-raḥmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Dear Sister,

Jazāk Allāhu Khairan for reaching out. I make duʿāʾ that Allāh Taʿālā increases your love of the dīn and desire to do what is right in all circumstances. Despite pressure from your family, your reaching out makes it evident that:

  1. You care about what the Islāmic ruling on the matter is.
  2. You have an uneasy feeling in your heart about what is occurring.

Before moving any further, I would like to address point #2. Rasūlullāh ﷺ was once asked about sin and responded by explaining that a sin is that which makes your heart feel uncomfortable and that would embarrass you if people came to know of it.[1] The wording of your email implies that you feel uncomfortable with blocking your ex-mother-in-law from access to her grandchild.

The fact of the matter is no one is responsible for another person’s mistakes. Allāh informs us:

وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَىٰ ۗ ثُمَّ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكُم مَّرْجِعُكُمْ فَيُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ۚ إِنَّهُ عَلِيمٌ بِذَاتِ الصُّدُورِ (سورة الزمر:٧)

“No soul will bear another’s burden. You will return to your Rabb in the end and He will inform you of what you have done: He knows well what is in the depths of [your] hearts.” (39:7)

Your child’s grandmother is not responsible for what her son did. Given the description you provided of her condition, she may not even be aware of what her son is or is not doing. Regardless of what your ex-husband may have done, that will never change the fact that he is your son’s father and that your child is a part of his family just as he is a part of your family. Based on this fact alone, even if, in your opinion, he is a terrible person, that does not disqualify him from having fair access to his son.[2]

Severe warnings have come in the Qurʾān and Ḥadīth for those who sever family ties. For example, Allāh links the severance of family ties with the spread of corruption in the lands:

فَهَلْ عَسَيْتُمْ إِن تَوَلَّيْتُمْ أَن تُفْسِدُوا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَتُقَطِّعُوا أَرْحَامَكُمْ (سورة محمد:٢٢)

“If you turn away now, could it be that you will go on to spread corruption all over the land and break your ties of kinship?”

Rasūlullāh ﷺ said that the one who breaks ties of kinship will not enter Jannah.[3] If this is the punishment for the one who breaks ties of kinship, what is the reward for the one who weaponizes their child against their ex-spouse and their family and never allows the ties of kinship to be established in the first place?

In closing, you or your mother should continue to send the pictures or video to your child’s grandmother. She is not responsible for her son’s actions. He will have to answer to Allāh on the Day of Judgment for his deeds, just as all of us will have to answer for our own. Please do not put your self in a situation where, despite the hardships you may have gone through, you will be questioned by Allāh for preventing your child from having a relationship with his paternal side of the family. Holding onto grudges and repeatedly forcing oneself to remember the wrongs inflicted is not in the spirit of Islām. Amongst the many qualities Allāh describes of the “People of Understanding”, one is that they respond to the bad done to them with good:

إِنَّمَا يَتَذَكَّرُ أُولُو الْأَلْبَابِ (١٩) الَّذِينَ يُوفُونَ بِعَهْدِ اللَّهِ وَلَا يَنقُضُونَ الْمِيثَاقَ (٢٠) وَالَّذِينَ يَصِلُونَ مَا أَمَرَ اللَّهُ بِهِ أَن يُوصَلَ وَيَخْشَوْنَ رَبَّهُمْ وَيَخَافُونَ سُوءَ الْحِسَابِ (٢١) وَالَّذِينَ صَبَرُوا ابْتِغَاءَ وَجْهِ رَبِّهِمْ وَأَقَامُوا الصَّلَاةَ وَأَنفَقُوا مِمَّا رَزَقْنَاهُمْ سِرًّا وَعَلَانِيَةً وَيَدْرَءُونَ بِالْحَسَنَةِ السَّيِّئَةَ أُولَٰئِكَ لَهُمْ عُقْبَى الدَّار (٢٢) جَنَّاتُ عَدْنٍ يدْخُلُونَهَا وَمَن صَلَحَ مِنْ آبَائِهِمْ وَأَزْوَاجِهِم وَذُرِّيَّاتِهِمْ ۖ وَالْمَلَائِكَةُ يَدْخُلُونَ عَلَيْهِم مِّن كُلِّ بَابٍ (٢٣) سَلَامٌ عَلَيْكُم بِمَا صَبَرْتُمْ ۚ فَنِعْمَ عُقْبَى الدَّار (٢٤) (سورة الرعد: ١٩-٢٤)

 “Only those with understanding will take it to heart; those who fulfil the agreements they make in Allāh’s name and do not break their pledges; who join together what Allāh commands to be joined; who are in awe of their Lord and fear the harshness of the Reckoning; who remain steadfast through their desire for the face of their Lord; who keep up the prayer; who give secretly and openly from what We have provided for them; who repel evil with good. These will have the reward of the [true] home: they will enter perpetual Gardens, along with their righteous ancestors, spouses, and descendants; the angels will go in to them from every gate,‘Peace be with you, because you have remained steadfast. What an excellent reward is this home of yours!’” (13:19-24)

May Allāh allow you to exemplify the character of Rasūllāh ﷺ and be good to your ex-mother-in-law despite your marriage to her son ending. May Allāh allow you to raise your son in an Islāmic manner and allow him to be pious and healthy. May He make things easy for you and also allow you and your ex-husband to work cooperatively in raising your son. Āmīn.

والله تعالى أعلم وعلمه أتم وبه التوفيق
And Allāh Taʿālā Knows Best

Muftī Mohammed Wahaajuddin bin Salauddin
(May Allāh forgive him and his parents)

[1]

صحيح مسلم مع شرح النووي، باب تفسير البر والإثم، ج٣ ص١٥٨٣، مكتبة البشرى، حديث #2553

عن النواس بن سمعان الأنصاري رضي الله عنه، قال: سألت رسول الله ﷺ، عن البر والإثم فقال: البر حسن الخلق، والإثم ما حاك في صدرك، وكرهت أن يطلع عليه الناس.

 قال الإمام النووي: (البر حسن الخلق والإثم ما حاك في صدرك وكرهت أن يطلع عليه الناس) قال العلماء البر يكون بمعنى الصلة وبمعنى اللطف والمبرة وحسن الصحبة والعشرة وبمعنى الطاعة وهذه الامور هي مجامع حسن الخلق ومعنى حاك في صدرك أي تحرك فيه وتردد ولم ينشرح له الصدر وحصل في القلب منه الشك وخوف كونه ذنبا

[2]

الفتاوى التاتارخانية، كتاب الطلاق، فصل في حكم الولد عند افتراق الزوجين، ج٥ ص٢٧٤، رقم: ٧٨٣٥، زكريا

وفي الحاوي: الولد متى كان عند أحد الأبوين لا يمنع الآخر عن النظر إليه وعن تعاهده.

رد المحتار، كتاب الطلاق، باب النفقة، ج٣ ص٥٧١، سعيد

وفي السراجية: إذا سقطت حضانة الأم وأخذه الأب لا يجبر على أن يرسله لها، بل هي إذا أرادت أن تراه لا تمنع من ذلك. وأفتى شيخنا الرملي بأنه يسافر به بعد تمام حضانتها، وبأن غير الأب من العصبات كالأب، وعزاه للخلاصة والتتارخانية

كتاب المسائل، ج٥ ص٤٤٩

اگر زوجین میں تفریق کے بعد حسب ضابطہ ان  میں سے کوئی ایک اپنے پاس رکھ کر بچہ کی پرورش کرے، تو دوسرے کو اس بچہ سے ملنے یا اس کی دیکھ بھال کرنے سے روکا نہیں جائےگا؛ کیوں کہ وہ بہر حال دونوں کا بچہ ہے، اس نسبت کو کبھی ختم نہیں کیا جاسکتا۔

[3]

صحيح مسلم، كتاب البر والصلة، باب صلة الرحم وتحريم قطعتها، #2556

عَنْ مُحَمَّدِ، بْنِ جُبَيْرِ بْنِ مُطْعِمٍ عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ﷺ قَالَ:‏ لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعٌ.‏ قَالَ ابْنُ أَبِي عُمَرَ قَالَ سُفْيَانُ يَعْنِي قَاطِعَ رَحِمٍ ‏.