Assalamualeikum Mufti, I am struggling with an issue that is causing much distress in my life and I have no one to turn to because i want to ensure this stays confidential InshaAllah. My husbands adult son is a man that has relationships with both men and women (Bisexual), but has relationships mainly with men, he confided this to me and others. My husband provides for him due to a refusal to find employment, This support gives the son the freedom to continue a haram lifestyle ( including not practicing the deen & substance abuse) that my husband would not knowingly support or enable.
Am I obligated to tell my husband of this lifestyle? I fear that he will find out and accuse me of betrayal. Or am I required to cover the sins of his son as I have read ahadith regarding covering the sins of others. I am unsure where my loyalty should lie and this is a DAILY struggle,I feel extreme sense guilt because my husband is a decent man. Please help me by providing Islamic guidance inshaAllah.
بسم الله الرحمٰن الرحيم
الجواب حامداً ومصلياً
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-raḥmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
The situation that you are in is, no doubt, extremely difficult. I make duʿāʾ that Allāh guides you to do what is best. I can advice a few courses of action but, ultimately, you will have to choose what is best based on the nature of the relationship between you and your husband.
The ḥadīth that you are referring to is recorded in Bukhārī and Muslim. Rasūlullāh ﷺ said that “whoever covers the fault of a Muslim, Allāh will cover their faults on the Day of Judgment.” That being said, there are times when a person’s sin is exposed in order to help them.
The question is, do you hope by informing your husband of his son’s lifestyle that it will help the son stop these behaviors in the long run? Would informing his father cause the father to advise his son, and would his son heed his advice?
In my heart, I feel that your husband should be informed of his son’s actions so that, even if his son does not heed his advice, he can begin to make duʿāʾ for his son returning to the right path. Rasūlullāh ﷺ has informed us that the duʿāʾ of three people is not rejected, and one of these is the parent’s duʿāʾ for their child.
Your husband can be informed in a variety of ways:
- You can speak to his son and encourage him to speak to his father and be open about his life. You can tell him that he cannot hide this forever and if his father finds out from someone else, it will be more difficult to overcome.
- You can ask a person whom your husband (and ideally your stepson) respects and have them speak to them.
- You can speak to your husband on your own as well, but a few points should be kept in mind.
- You should not inform your husband in anger or retaliation. For example, you and your husband argue about something and then this is brought up due to your anger over the argument.
- The manner of conveying the information should be gentle. Reassure your husband that you respect him and view him as a pious person. He should see that you are sincere and want the best for him and his son. Let him know that you support him and encourage him to approach his son with wisdom and cool head. InshāʾAllāh, his son will return to the straight path.
- In the previous message (I’m sorry I had not gotten to it – there was a death in the family), you stated that his son has been hospitalized for substance abuse in the past. When informing your husband, encourage him to have a plan to help his son recover and enter rehab. There are other problems regarding his practice of dīn, but addressing his substance abuse may help to, inshāʾAllāh, solve or lessen the other issues as well.
May Allāh ease your decision and guide to what is best.
والله تعالى أعلم وعلمه أتم وبه التوفيق
And Allāh Taʿālā Knows Best
Muftī Mohammed Wahaajuddin bin Salauddin
(May Allāh forgive him and his parents)